We expect to feel overwhelming love for our newborn, but we shouldn’t panic if we don’t.
These are the reassuring words of Dr Joanna Parga-Belinkie, an associate professor of paediatrics, neonatologist, and mother of Mira, seven, Simon, five, and Zelda, one.
Parga-Belinkie wants parents to know that it is not a red flag, nor does it signify that you are ‘a bad parent’, if you do not feel a rush of love when you first see your new infant.
“When I was pregnant with my first baby, I wasn’t sure I had made the right decision,” says Parga-Belinkie, author of .
“I was sick, tired, and grappling with not feeling like myself. How did I want this so badly, yet was handling the whole pregnancy process so poorly? I didn’t love every minute of being pregnant, and I knew I wouldn’t love every minute of being a new mom.”
Despite her early ambivalence, Parga-Belinkie knew she wanted her love for her baby “to grow to become deeply powerful and expansive. I let my dream of that kind of love help me get through the hard parts of achieving it.”
As a clinical neo-natologist at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania, Parga-Belinkie sees lots of parents putting huge emphasis on the birth moment.
“But it’s important to reframe away from the moment of birth, which can be really joyous, or it can be one where things didn’t go to plan.”
“We need to refocus on ‘who is this person I delivered?’ and on building a relationship with them. Think of our most significant relationships — they’re usually grown over time; love grows stronger. So, it’s about establishing that connection, and love can grow. Because, really, what you’re building with your baby is a lifetime of love,” she says.
Dr Freda Wynne, senior clinical psychologist with the specialist perinatal mental health team at Cork University Maternity Hospial (CUMH) agrees that society leads us to believe we will instantly feel love, warmth, and connection when we first meet our babies.
“Parents hear a lot about the golden hour, that hour after birth, which is a sensitive time for bonding. But we know from research, mostly UK-based, that immediate bonding doesn’t happen for up to 30% of women.”
Wynne says parents can feel real pressure if they think they have missed that ‘golden hour’ opportunity and that it will be hard to get it back. The reality is different. “There are lots of opportunities to bond. It’s more helpful to think of bonding as a process that can unfold over time.”
Guilt and shame often arise for parents who don’t experience that instantaneous bonding. “They expected it immediately. When it isn’t there, they think there’s something wrong with them, or with their relationship with their baby.”
Lots can get in the way of immediately feeling the love, Wynne explains: “If you’ve had a difficult birth experience or been separated from your baby, who’s had to go to NICU, you can be in a very stressed state. You might be stressed about being in hospital, or maybe you were under a lot of pressure to finish up work before the birth, so you went in to it stressed. The transition to parenthood is a process of huge change and adjustment. Trying to balance so much can be stressful.”
All these factors could mean the conditions within us are not there for bonding straightaway. “Feeling anxious or depressed isn’t conducive to bonding.”
Parga-Belinkie has seen parents “beat themselves up” for not bonding immediately with their infant. “It can be comforting to know you don’t have to know everything right away, that you’re building a relationship.”
She urges parents to give themselves “permission to be intentional about connecting with their child”.
- “Let baby feel your heart rate, your breathing. It can calm and comfort both of you. Babies are really good at skin-to-skin in the first couple of weeks — they sleep up to 16 hours, so they like that closeness when they sleep. And they’re not as distracted by the world around them, because their senses are still developing.
- Actively listen. Watch how they react to light, to temperature changes. And really listen to their cry — lots of parents get very emotional when their babies cry. It doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong, just they don’t like the temperature change, or they’ve a dirty nappy, or they’re hungry. If you really pay attention, you can decipher their cries and respond to them. And if you aren’t getting why your baby’s crying, you’re still letting them know you are there for them.
- Like a tennis match with your baby, when they vocalise, you say the same thing back to them. It might seem silly, because you’re not using words, but baby knows, ‘Hey, somebody’s listening to me, they’re trying to interact with me’. Serve-and-return is a really powerful reciprocal language. And by interacting with them and trying to get to know them, you’re helping build their brain — at this stage, babies are establishing neuronal networks. Their brains are growing at incredible speed.”
- Not only is it fun, it really makes connections with your baby, bolsters their brain. As parent, you’re your baby’s favourite toy. Watching you, responding to you — that’s what’s going to be most stimulating for baby and help most in their development.”
Wynne agrees that what is important in establishing a loving relationship with your baby is the intention to connect, the motivation and drive to form a bond.
“If we have the orientation to care for our baby, if we want to connect with them, and we’re engaging in opportunities to do so, the feelings often follow.”
Opportunities to connect are many and daily, she says.
“Tasks like feeding, bathing, nappy-changing, that moment after changing the nappy where I’m making eye contact, playing with baby — I’m present and curious about what my baby is doing. All this helps build our emotional connection, or even sparks off the bond. The baby’s cues, their crying, might biologically prompt the feelings.”
Wynne says it’s not unusual for new mums to feel overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsure about their bond with their baby in the early days. “If, after six to eight weeks, you’re concerned about your bond developing, it’s a good idea to reach out for support.”
Parga-Belinkie says mother and baby have different needs and it can be challenging to meet both sets.
“Mum’s body has changed, her hormones, her responsibilities. Parenting a newborn is very demanding. It requires a lot o vigilance. It’s a 24-hour, exhausting job. The baby, on the other hand, has a very different sleep schedule from the mother. They’re experiencing everything for the first time — everything’s new to them and stimulating.”
Parenting a baby is a team sport, she says. “Safe, nurturing relationships are key to the baby’s stable brain growth, but also to support the parents. There should be other trusted, loving caregivers around for both baby and parents.”
She sees fathers as having a crucial role in caring for the birthing parent.
“They can often feel a little left out. They didn’t give birth, and if mum’s breastfeeding, then they’re not the ones feeding the baby. They can feel the odd man out. What’s really helpful is if they can take over the household tasks, the mental load of caring for other children. This can really enhance the birthing parent’s bond with the baby.”
Wynne says bonding is designed to give us positive feelings, so we get the reward of feeling connected with our baby. “If those feelings aren’t there, the care demands can feel a bit more effortful.”
But what is most important, she says, is orientating ourselves in the direction of our baby and letting those warm feelings come.
Parga-Belinkie agrees: “In being attentive, interested, and responsive, a parent will go a long way in connecting with their child.”
- (American Academy of Pediatrics).
