My perfect girlfriend is horrible to me behind closed doors

I know I’m punching above my weight to be honest — but behind closed doors, I feel constantly undermined. 

She makes little jokes at my expense, brushes off my opinions, and anytime I try to bring up how I feel, she says I’m “too sensitive” or “always starting something” and tells me to “act like a man”.

I’ve started questioning myself, wondering if I am over-reacting, but I’ve also started feeling small around her — and it’s affecting our bedroom antics too, I have to say. 

I feel she is judging me all the time. My friends have noticed too, but I’m afraid of being the fella who couldn’t make it work with the perfect woman.

We’ve built a life together, but I don’t feel I can relax or be myself around her, like I need to improve on everything. 

I keep hoping things will get better, but they don’t. How do you know when it’s time to stop trying — and start walking away?

Four years into a relationship, things should be a lot better and easier for you — let’s start with that. What you should be writing to me about is that you’ve an idea for a marriage proposal and what I think you should do. 

You ask at the end of your letter when the time is to stop trying and start walking away — well, you have just taken your first steps away.

There are a few things I dislike in this world, and one of them is belittling other people and making them feel small and insignificant. 

And in your case this is coming from your girlfriend of four years.

You only think you’re punching above your weight because that’s what she wants you to think, and you are also basing all of that on looks, where there are lots of other parts to that equation.

I’m going to be blunt — you need to run for the hills, and here is why…

You can’t be yourself around her and if you can’t be yourself, then who are you being?

Are you trying to be the person you think she will like or appreciate?

I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work like that. 

Even the way she speaks to you, ‘act like a man’ and you’re being ‘too sensitive’ — who does she think she is and why would you speak to the person you ‘love’ like that?

Here’s why, and it’s another reason why you need to move on: I think she doesn’t want to be in this relationship and by saying things like this she wants to drive you away and for you to leave. 

In her mind then, this will all be your fault and she can go off and have all her friends say what a dick you are.

Well, off she goes. At first you notice all of this and the next thing your friends cop on to it. And this is what is after happening here. 

But the funny thing is that I’m sure your friends have noticed this a long time ago and might have felt that it wasn’t their place to say anything.

You should ask one of them and see what they say. And, by the way, don’t worry about being that guy who couldn’t make it work with the ‘perfect woman’. Even if the ‘perfect’ woman or man exists, they wouldn’t say any of that stuff to someone.

All this of course is affecting ‘bedroom antics’. I’m surprised there are even any — why would you even want to be with someone sexually when all this is going on?

I’d imagine that is would put a dampener on things, especially when you’re being undermined all the time. 

I feel like you are walking around with a heavy weight on your shoulders and on eggshells at the same time — and that’s not an easy thing to do.

You keep hoping things will change and get better. They won’t, and no matter what you do or how much crap you take, this is not going to change.

From your letter, I read that this has gone on too long, too many lines have been crossed, and it’s gone beyond the point of no return. It is not you that has to change; it’s her.

You say that you’ve built a life together, but have you really?

Life is supposed to be a lot easier than this. Let’s say you do stay together; you get married and have children. Nothing will have changed — she is still treating you the same way; this is what I’d call hell!

You have the chance to do something about it now. You are only 29 — do you want to have wasted four or 44 years of your life? The choice is yours.

One of the big things you need to take from all of this is that you need to start believing in yourself.

This whole thing has come from you believing that someone else is a lot better than you, because you think she is good-looking and great craic in front of the lads.

She has stayed ‘on high’ because she has been standing on your shoulders — check them, I bet there are high-heel marks there!

I think it’s important to say here too that if it was a man who was in the wrong, my advice would be exactly the same. 

This isn’t about male or female or anything in between; this is about toxic behaviour. It’s about spotting the signs and getting out of that situation. 

I know it can be very hard to walk away from someone that you love, but it’s so important to be treated properly and to feel safe and loved.