This is indeed a very difficult situation, and I’m not sure if there’s anything I can say to alleviate your pain, but I do understand the experience of losing a family member.
My sister Deirdre passed away suddenly at the age of 34, and she was, like your brother, full of life, kindness, and humor. Like you and your family, we were all very close.
The loss of a loved one at any age, for any reason, is one of life’s most challenging experiences, particularly when there’s no opportunity for a final farewell.
Your brother was only 22, practically a child, with his entire life ahead of him.
I’m going to share something with you, and had I heard this in 2002 when my sister passed, I wouldn’t have believed it. You might feel the same way now. It does get easier, and you will get through this.
It’s only been eight months for you, and it’s incredibly difficult to move forward when your brother isn’t part of the next chapter, but you need to be strong too.
Currently, you’re being strong for everyone else, which is admirable. And despite feeling like you aren’t coping, you are.
You’re displaying immense strength without even realizing it. This is one way you’re dealing with the grief, but the broken feeling inside is another aspect you must address.
Crying in the car or shower is normal and healthy. We’ve all been there. It’s a release that prevents you from bottling up your emotions – all very normal.
I understand your deep sorrow, and if you feel you’re falling into a deeper depression, please consider seeking professional help.
It’s vital to recognize that there is room for everyone’s grief in every situation. Your feelings are valid and need acknowledgement.
I know it’s incredibly tough for your parents and sister, but your grief is equally important and needs attention. Communicate your feelings to them.
Even if they haven’t expressed it directly, your parents are likely concerned about how you’re handling this.
Knowing you are coping, even if you’re unaware of it yourself, can alleviate their burden. Open communication about your feelings is vital.
You say you don’t know how to do this, but it’s clear that you are doing it. You’re in the midst of the process, and because you prioritize others, you may not realize it.
You are fortunate to have good friends, even if they don’t know the perfect words. Their presence is supportive and that is all they can often do.
Just as with your parents, talk to your friends too. They are worried and will be there to listen.
You worry that you’re not coping, but you are. Your grief has simply clouded your perspective. You still have a journey ahead, and that’s likely the source of your uncertainty.
Believe me, you are doing great. Some individuals become completely immobilized by this type of loss.
You asked two significant questions at the end of your letter.
How do you grieve someone so young? By celebrating their life and preserving their memory. They may be gone, but a part of them will always live on through their family. I know this from experience.
Will it always be this hard? My answer is no. I remember that feeling of waking up and, for a split second, thinking it was a dream, until the cold reality hits like a weight in your stomach.
That feeling will lessen with time, and the negative and empty thoughts will gradually be replaced with cherished memories. But it takes time.
