Esteemed citizens of Ireland, you who are voiceless, I hereby beseech you to consider electing a Clifford to be your president. Modesty and the current constitutional framework prevents me from nominating myself for this honour but I propose a petition advocating for the nomination of my namesake, David Clifford (no relation, unfortunately).
On the basis of the current runners and riders, Mr Clifford would make a suitable candidate. He has excelled at his sport, and is considered to be en route to the peak of greatness. I don’t know if he can dance like Michael Flatley, but he certainly has fast feet and hands. He exudes a winning smile and knows the correct knife and fork with which to eat at a big knees-up. What more could you ask for in your president?
Ok, David Clifford would most likely rather defect from Kerry to play for Co Antrim than run for the presidency.
But, by God, we need something to liven up yet cool down what currently passes for the shallows of a presidential contest.
This week saw a new nadir. Conor McGregor officially entered the race. He did so by addressing the “esteemed citizens of Ireland and the Irish diaspora”.
And this is what he tweeted: “I, Conor McGregor, hereby declare my intention to seek the esteemed office of President of Ireland.”
He believes that the nomination system is not esteemed. Instead he suggests it is too restrictive, a contention that is about the only halfway sensible thing he has said in a very long time. He wants a special dispensation to allow for a petition to qualify him to run.
“I implore you to join me by signing this petition,” he tweeted. “Your support will be instrumental in championing a more inclusive and democratic electoral process, thereby empowering the people of Ireland to shape their own future. SIGN MY PETITION NOW TO SAVE IRELAND!”
He formally launched his campaign on the same week the Court of Appeal threw out his appeal against a High Court jury’s finding that he raped Nikita Hand in a hotel in Dublin in December 2018. Ms Hand, who described in harrowing detail to the civil court the attack to which she was subjected, was awarded €200,000.
Apart from that episode of disgusting infamy, McGregor was once a big cheese MMA fighter, beloved of those who follow the sport. It is not immediately clear how exactly he would save Ireland or from what he wishes to save it.
Neither is it clear whether his friend Trump advised him to use capital letters on social media in a manner most of us would remember from the difficult transition between senior infants and first class.
If McGregor’s entry into the preliminary contest was a nadir, then that of Michael Flatley was surreal. Mr Flatley, for the record, is a successful dancer and businessman. He comes across as a nice fellow who’d do us proud with the cutlery at a banquet.
The element of the job that involves meeting and greeting all sorts of people would be no bother to him. He has the capacity to be likeable, so that ticks off one of the job specs. But his entry into the race was straight out of a whacky Hollywood caper movie.
Mr Flatley is currently involved in expensive litigation concerning his Castlehyde mansion in Co Cork and it was through that process that the world learned of his intention to move to the bigger mansion in the Park.
On July 25, his barrister told the High Court that Mickser has had a “material change in circumstances” and that it was his intention to move back to Ireland within 14 days in order to run for the presidency. By the time you’re reading this, he should have touched down, presumably full of beans for the battle ahead.
Earlier, he had indicated that he would be willing to allow his name go forward “if I thought I could be a voice for the Irish people”.
As a campaign launch the courtroom event was a major let-down. There was no big media event, no social media event, no singing, no dancing, no flashing lights. It all went down in a dreary room full of gowned lawyers and a judge. Maybe the theatricality of the forum appealed to Flatley, but he sure as hell didn’t get things off to a flying start.
If the chips were to fall his way and he finds himself elected, at least he can credibly borrow from Mary Robinson’s big day out when she ended her speech declaring: “I am of Ireland. Come dance with me in Ireland”.
Cue Mickser clearing the stage, swapping his suit for a onesie and headband and kicking free, all the way to a crescendo of music as the assembled audience gets exhausted just looking at him.
As of now, there are only two candidates actually scrubbed up with nominations for the election campaign.
Mairead McGuinness is Fine Gael’s candidate. She is quite obviously a competent politician, brimming with ambition. It’s fair to say she is no Michael D. Neither would she be in the mould of the preceding two Marys, Robinson and McAleese.
She is a member of a party that has been in power for 14 years. She has served as an MEP and a commissioner. Right now the bookies have her as favourite and if she does win it won’t be on a great wave of anything or a reaction to prevailing politics.
Then on the left of the house is Catherine Connolly. She is, to a large extent, a Michael D Mini-Me. But don’t tell her that. The pair of them were once destined to share a ticket in a general election, but things didn’t work out and Catherine left the Labour party and cut her own cloth.
She has made her mark in the Dáil. At her campaign launch she said she is standing to “empower people to find their own voice”. This statement will require further explanation when the race kicks into gear.
Meanwhile, the big political beasts of Fianna Fáil and Sinn Féin continue to mull and fret. There is, as of yet, no sign of white smoke from either entity declaring that they are in to win. The smart money is continuing to say that both will emerge from their respective conclaves with candidates.
Sinn Féin really only has two credible internal choices, Mary Lou McDonald and Michelle O’Neill. Anybody else would be a token entry to the race. Unless, of course, they nab a big name from outside the party. That would be a coup and a half for a party still smarting from last year’s electoral woes.
Fianna Fáil has, well, nobody really bar The Bert.
Party leader Micheál Martin has made it plain he will not run. That leaves Bertie Ahern, who should not run, but if he does, will never hear the end of winning money on the horses and no bank account and when exactly he took a machete to the Celtic Tiger.
Bertie has enjoyed the speculation that keeps him in ink but he is an astute individual. It will be a shock if he puts himself forward for the stocks. The Soldiers of Destiny are thus most likely praying hard that an outsider lands on earth willing to go forward under their party standard.
The only other big name twiddling his thumbs in the wings is Tony Holohan, formerly the state’s chief medical officer during the covid pandemic. There was a time, about four years ago, when Mr Holohan was considered in some quarters to be the man who saved Ireland.
A gradual revision of recent history has dented that shining bauble. Some people now wonder whether his apparent cavalier attitude to consensus was a factor in lockdowns that may have locked down too much for too long.
Any candidacy on his part might also suffer from the reality that a lot of people would prefer to forget covid and all its works rather than revisit it.
As of now there are no other realistic candidates, or even wannabes purporting to be the chosen one arriving like Flash Gordon to save the state, if not the planet.
There are two features to the whole business that do require further analysis. Whatever one’s distaste for McGregor and all he represents, his point about the nomination process has some validity. The only routes to nomination are through four local authorities or 20 members of the Oireachtas.
It is the case that local authorities in particular have in the past shown interest in nominating whom they consider worthy candidates simply to widen choice for the electorate. Seán Gallagher and Mary Davis are two such examples.
It is also the case that the big three parties, and even the smaller ones, can put pressure on their local authority members to refrain from opening up the field. On the face of it, this does appear anti-democratic.
An alternative route such as a petition presents its own problems. How would it ever be validated? Let’s say a candidate, such as McGregor or Paddy McGinty’s goat, presents a petition of tens of thousands. Is there any way to ensure all of these signatories represent genuine, qualifying, separate individuals?
So there are flaws in the system, but so far there is a case to be made that any potential candidate with genuine aspirations has been facilitated with a nomination.
The other issue that will come to the fore in the campaign is the job spec. Connolly, Flatley and McGregor have all made reference to providing a “voice” as a primary objective.
What does that mean? During the current incumbent’s two terms he has voiced plenty of things that made the government of the day uncomfortable.
For instance, one could surmise that the president might be in favour of leaving what he considers a neoliberal EU, constantly berating the USA for its foreign policy, and criticising the Government for not applying itself without restrictions to the current housing crisis.
All of these things strike an emotional chord with many people, and echo what might be discussed and debated on high stools in the nation’s hostelries. But expressing the sentiment, while at the same time having no power to do anything about it, can appear to be having the cake and eating it.
Providing “a voice” to the people, this serving of cakeism, appears to have evolved under Michael D to giving comfort to the national heart in the secure knowledge that the head is what holds sway when going to the polls to elect a government.
Trampling all over government policy at home or abroad is manageable when the incumbent president is highly popular. However, when the polls say that is not the case the executive may be motivated to slap down the prez’s utterings. Then we enter that valley of political darkness, the constitutional crisis.
Michael D’s popularity and political adroitness ensured that such terrain was never crossed, but has he beaten a path which others less equipped than himself might consider the way to go in the next presidential term?
So, who fits the template if David Clifford refuses to play ball?
There is really only one individual who may be a perfect fit for the Áras in the current milieu. This candidate knows when to hold his whist and when to offer considered opinion.
He is equipped with bon mots such as “fail to prepare, prepare to fail” that would delight the populace. And he has a well-earned reputation for knowing exactly what “doing your job” entails. Step forward, Roy Keane.
Offer to move the Áras from the Phoenix Park to Fitzgerald Park and he will be putty in the hands of the nation. Sure that’s only a small detail when his country is crying out for somebody to walk the walk of a president.
Failing that, we are just left waiting for the whole shebang to come alive and guide us to selecting the next head of state.
