In the tricky terrain of parenting, are there certain battles — such as about clothes or hairstyle or our children’s friends or the state of their room — that are just not worth fighting?
In the fight-or-not-to-fight dilemma, context is everything, say experts.
If you start each day with ‘a battle to fight’, you’re straightaway setting yourself up for one, says consultant clinical psychologist Dr Claire Hayes, author of .
“There’s power in language. Do I fight? And if I don’t, what do I do? Be passive?” Instead of seeing situations in battle terms, Hayes suggests parents ask themselves how they relate: “Is it in a respectful, fair and collaborative way?” This approach, she says, should guide us in any scenario with our children.
Child and adolescent psychologist Dr Sarah Cassidy, president elect of Psychological Society of Ireland, says that as children grow they become more self-aware and have a wider range of influences “there will naturally be some that parents don’t like”.
“These can make for some tricky battlegrounds for parents and kids.”
Cassidy sees parenting as a delicate dance — getting it right involves being light on your feet: “You need to know that sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow.”
She encourages parents to think about how they want to spend their energy. “What are the battles worth fighting? Only the parent knows the answer to this, but there are some loose ideas to guide the journey.”
Your child wants to wear loose, casual sloppy clothing. You want them to look smarter. Not a battle worth having, says psychotherapist and relationship counsellor Bernadette Ryan.
She says that giving choices empowers children: “Allow experimentation. But if a line of clothing goes against the family’s value system — if it’s very sexualised — a conversation’s needed.”
This could mean asking the child ‘do you want this because you feel everyone’s wearing it — or because it’s something you feel good in?’.
Hayes urges parents to ask themselves why they want to veto particular clothing: “To make yourself feel better? Or to keep your child safe? Because it’s really important for parents to be parents, to have values, standards. And if these are fair, to stick to them.”
Consider if the rules make sense. “Are you making the rule to keep your child safe from harm, or so the neighbours don’t laugh at you? Self-expression in young people is important,” says Cassidy. But she suggests parents might occasionally say — perhaps for Granny’s birthday party — ‘I’d really love if you could wear this kind of outfit’.
Ryan says a good guiding question is: ‘where are the opportunities to let my child experiment and wear what they want, where they won’t compromise themselves?’.
She suggests parents reserve judgement: “We’re not always right. Affirm to the child they look well, even if it isn’t to the parent’s style — this builds confidence.”
Cassidy agrees that clothing, hair styles, and hair colour can be a fun means of self-expression for teens, though she is concerned about the chemical content of some hair dyes, and that regular nail extensions or acrylic nails might damage kids’ nails.
Around accessories, Ryan recommends talking choices with your child. “Will it get them into trouble at school? Maybe they can wear them at weekends but not into school.” Cassidy advises being reasonable: “Is there so much jewellery they can’t write or ride their bicycle? If not, it’s probably ok.”
One school rule around accessories makes sense to her: “Removing jewellery for sports, because it can sometimes cause injuries.”
Not something to fight about, advises Ryan: “It has potential to turn into an eating disorder, or [preoccupations] with body image. You can’t force people to eat.”
She encourages chatting with your child about the benefits of healthy eating and a balanced diet. The key word is ‘enjoy’. “Make food and meals enjoyable. Look for the best healthy foods they like — find ways to give nutritious food that’s more palatable to them.”
Cassidy also warns against having rigid food rules. “Do provide regular meals. Predictably, three times a day, your child should know there’ll be a healthy meal available to them. These can act as anchor points in their day.” She recommends eating with children: “Research [shows] families who eat together suffer fewer mental health problems later in life. They also experience better family cohesion and closer relationships.”
Your child doesn’t like a particular healthy food you’d love them to eat? Don’t make a fuss, says Cassidy. “Keep providing it every few weeks. If it continues to be refused, drop it for a while. If your child suggests a food, or suggests cooking a food differently, or has an interest in helping with cooking, do involve them as much as possible.”
A battle of wills over homework is rarely helpful, says Cassidy, who recommends parents do some research: “Have a quiet, subtle chat with the other parents — be mindful what you say. Maybe other children are struggling to get through the homework too — perhaps the teacher’s expectation’s too high and needs adjusting.”
Or talk directly to your child’s teacher. “Ask how much homework you should expect your child to do after school. Mention they seem very tired right after school. Maybe your child needs some extra support.”
She recommends holding high expectations for your child, once they are reasonable and attainable: “Reward your child for hard work [through] acknowledgement, praise, or some dedicated special time with you. It’s about celebrating your child’s successes in meaningful ways.”
Hayes likes the ‘is it fair’ question in relation to homework. “If they’re not good at Maths, is it fair to allow them not to do it? No, it’s not. But encouraging them to do it needs to be done in a respectful, collaborative way.” She encourages helping your child see the value of Maths — and helping them, and you, understand what it is they find hard about the subject.
A tricky one, says Ryan. “For pre-teens and early teens, friends and peer group are very important, more so than family. They’re transitioning to independence. The wish is they’ll have good supportive friends, who’ll be a good influence.”
While they’ll all be adventurous and most likely get into some trouble, it depends on the trouble, Ryan says.
“Pick your battles, but if they’re running wild with friends or engaging in anti-social behaviour that’s not good for them. This could be a battle to fight,” she says, adding that talking with your child is important. “And community guards can be a great help.” Hayes urges parents not to expect their child to do social interaction just as they did: “Maybe the parent valued being ‘part of the gang’ in the park — ‘I had my first kiss in the park’. But perhaps your child prefers reading in the garden, or playing chess, something the parent doesn’t relate to. Is it respectful to expect your child to be like you?”
“Open the window, let out the stink, close the door and walk away. This isn’t a fight worth having,” says Cassidy.
While she doesn’t generally recommend avoidance as a strategy, Cassidy says: “If you think your child would like you to help with their room, offer help. Otherwise, just walk away. If they run out of clothes or school uniforms, ask them to give them to you to wash. Now and again, if someone cleaned the room, make a funny joke ‘oh, I found your bed’.”
Ryan says, particularly for teens, their room is “their little domain”, but if really bothering you, you might negotiate around doing “a big clean” once a month.
Definitely no cause for battle, say the experts. “We don’t care what they read. We just care that they read,” says Cassidy.
Ryan agrees: “It’s about cultivating an interest in reading. If they’re reading something, encourage it. Show interest. Ask them about what they’re reading, what they think of the characters.”
At the end of the day, says Ryan, do have boundaries and family rules — but keep them small. “If everything’s going to be a battle your child won’t open up to you. No matter what they come home with, don’t react. Instead give yourself space to respond.”
